even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
