just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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