I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
