and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
