i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
