I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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