there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
