You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
