WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
