Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
