He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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