her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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