I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
