I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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