my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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