i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
