I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
