I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
