Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
