moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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