I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
