Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
