Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This is my gift to your gina
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
