The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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