I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
