Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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