Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
