I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I intend to get homeless drunk
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
