I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
