Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
