She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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