I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
