the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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