life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
