I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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