walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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