"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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