After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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