New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
