And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
