Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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