i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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