You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
