I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
