i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
