my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
