I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
