you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
