Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
