he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
