I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You left your phone here
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