Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize