I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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