Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
