Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
