dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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