And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Randomize
